A Virgin No More?
by Roxius
Summary: CHAPTER UPDATE. It's no longer just Tsuna who suffers! Xanxus learns that he must lose his virginity to be able to have a chance at becoming a true Vongola boss, but he's only interested in a certain type of girl. Please R & R!
1. Tsuna Version

Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

A/N: The OCs in this fic have certain names in Italian...a rather plain pun, but a pun nonetheless:P

* * *

As they left the school grounds for the day, walking along the dusty path, Reborn turned to his student and asked him a rather perplexing question:

"Tsuna...are you still a virgin?"

Tsunayoshi Sawada nearly choked on his own spit when Reborn suddenly brought up that question completely out of the blue. The toddler assassin just smiled innocently at him as he awaited some sort of response. Tsuna wasn't exactly sure how to answer such an awkward, personal question, but he decided to simply tell the truth regarding the manner.

"Of course I'm still a virgin, Reborn!" Tsuna snapped, his face bright red with embarrassment, "I mean...if I can't even muster up the courage to ask a girl out on a date, how could I possibly get laid, either?"

"You don't necessarily need to date someone first before having sex...I've had many one-night stands in the past...like, just last night, there was this old lady on the side of the street, and she-"

"GAD! YOU KNOW I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON, REBORN!!! I'M A VIRGIN, AND I'M FINE WITH THAT FOR NOW, OKAY?!!"

Reborn nodded earnestly to himself. "I see. It's not good for a future Mafia Boss like you to still be a virgin at this point in his life...it'll mean a hell of trouble down the road if you don't fix this problem soon..."

"W-WHAT?!! SERIOUSLY...?!! THAT DOES MAKE ANY SENSE!!!" Tsuna gasped; he sure as hell didn't remember reading anything like THAT in the Vongola Boss Handbook!

"Hmm," Reborn scratched his chin as he thought deeply on the matter, "...Good thing I planned ahead, as always. When you return home today, Tsuna, you'll most definitely be able to finally lose your virginity!"

Tsuna's mouth fell open so wide that his jaw nearly snapped apart. "...HUH?!!!"

"I know a girl in Italy who can help you. Her name is Puttana. She is a definite class-A prostitute, one of the best in the business...and because I'm her favorite costumer, she'll do you for free."

"OH JESUS CHRIST, NO!!!" Tsuna screamed, clutching his head in his hands. "I AM NOT HAVING SEX WITH SOME CRAZY ITALIAN SLUT WHO MAKES MONEY BY SELLING HER BODY!!! THAT GOES AGAINST MY MORALS AS A HUMAN BEING!!! I WANT MY FIRST TIME TO BE A LOVING, WHOLESOME EXPERIENCE!!!"

"She's had about 300+ abortions so far, and yet she's never gotten a single STI in her 15-year-long career...she's got an impressive record," Reborn continued.

"THAT'S NOT REALLY STUFF I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT!!!!" Although Tsuna was personally pro-choice, the fact that someone had taken advantage of the system to have such a massive number of abortions disturbed him greatly. He was a bit curious about how she had avoiding getting any STIs for so long, though.

Leon, Reborn's tiny pet chameleon, suddenly mutated into a small jet, and Reborn promptly hopped up on top of it.

Tipping his hat over his eyes, Reborn glanced over his shoulder at the bewildered young teen and said, "I already called Puttana to come over from Italy yesterday, and her plane is coming in about now, so I'm going to go pick her up. You'll get to meet her...and do her...when you return home tonight, Tsuna..."

As he helplessly watched Reborn fly off into the distance, Tsuna dropped to his knees and bowed his head. He sighed heavily, and then closed his eyes.

'...THIS SUCKS...THIS FRIGGIN' SUCKS...'

* * *

When he returned home that afternoon, Tsuna immediately hesitated opening the front door. He was afraid to come walking in and suddenly be assaulted by some crazy foreign whore, while Reborn would stand nearby, watching them with that cocky little smirk of his. It made Tsuna want to run and cower in a corner somewhere; he definitely didn't know what to expect upon entering his own house.

Still, he couldn't stand outside in the cold all night. Plus, he was hungry.

'Well...here goes nothing...'

Tsuna swung the door wide open, and immediately barrel-rolled his way in. Much to his surprise, and utter relief, there wasn't any crazy foreign whore waiting in the shadows to sexually molest him. He slowly pushed himself back up to a stand, and made his way into the kitchen. His mother was just finishing up cooking dinner, and Reborn was strangely absent.

"Hey...mom," Tsuna asked with a bit of discomfort, "Uh...did Reborn come home yet?"

Tsuna's mother nodded. "Yes. He came back with some girl tagging along. She looked a bit foreign. Oh, and Reborn told me to tell you to come and see him upstairs as soon as you get home..."

"...Okay..." Shrugging his shoulders, Tsuna begrudgingly walked up the staircase leading to his bedroom. With every step he took, more and more repulsive, disturbing imagery of this Puttana person spun throughout Tsuna's mind. It made his skin crawl with disgust.

'Ugh...I bet she's really fat, and covered in acne and boils and stuff, and she likes to braid her pubic hair...WAIT, WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT LAST PART?!!!'

Tsuna closed his eyes as he entered his bedroom, fearing the worst. However, he was soon to be pleasantly surprised.

"...You are Sssshuna, correct...? The man...I must fuck?"

Tsuna slowly opened one eye. There was a young woman, probably no more than 20 years old, sitting on his bed with little Reborn beside her. She had long blood-red hair that draped over her shoulders, and giant, perfectly round breasts. Her legs were nice and shapely, and she was rather thin, but the most important thing at the moment was her breasts. Hell, her breasts were so big that Tsuna couldn't take his eyes off of them. Her face appeared to be generally cleared of acne, from what little he had seen of it.

"Tsuna...it seems that Puttana tragically died of Swine Flu last week, so instead I brought her number-one apprentice, Prostituta, over in her place...treat her well, would you?" Reborn stated.

"I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH HER!!!" Tsuna snapped at the baby hit-man. He had finally been able to tear his eyes away from those impressive honkers.

Prostituta cocked her head slightly to the side. "Why not?" She asked in her thick Italian accent.

"Because..." Tsuna stammered nervously, blushing brightly, "Because...I...I just can't...okay? It...it just wouldn't be right..."

"I have a very deep throat. I have endured much harsh training to be able to hold an adequate amount of semen in my stomach. My vagina is tender enough for quick thrusts and multiple fistings...and I am also very qualified in gang-bangs. You may call your friends over if they wish to join..." Prostituta proclaimed, as if thinking that would tempt the young boy into giving in. However, Tsuna wasn't even so much as getting a boner.

"I...I can't do it...I just can't do it!!" he said again.

Prostituta stood up, and slowly, seductively, unzipped her top just enough so that the very tips of her pink nipples were showing. "Does this...not please you?"

Tsuna sighed heavily. "Look...I think you're very beautiful and everything...and I'm sure you're as talented as you claim to be...but...but I can't have sex with you. I want my first sexual experience to be something real...for me to show the girl I love how much I care about her in that sort of way...you know? I...I don't want to lose my virginity from some stupid one-night stand or something...I want it to really mean something...y'know?"

There was a tense, three-minute silence between Tsuna and Prostituta as the words slowly sunk in.

"You really need to work on your wording, Tsuna...I didn't understand a word of it," Reborn spoke up, giving Prostituta's large ass a tiny pinch in the process.

"HEY...D-DON'T RUIN MY MOMENT...!!!" Tsuna cried.

Prostituta stared down at the floor, looking terribly dejected. "So...you...you don't want to fuck...?"

Tsuna shook his head.

"Very well...the first rule of a class-A prostitute: if you cannot satisfy the customer, you must pay the consequences..." Prostituta reached into her purse, and unsheathed a small, silver pistol. Tsuna stared in horrified silence as the red-head pressed the gun's barrel against her forehead...and then pulled the trigger. There was a loud bang, a splatter of blood, and Prostituta's lifeless body slumped to the floor. All of the color instantly drained from Tsuna's face.

"OH...OH...OH...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tsuna fell to his knees, and stared at the fresh blood that now covered his hands. He pulled the woman's body into his arms and held her close as he weeped into his chest.

Reborn shrugged his shoulders, and nibbled on a small rice ball he pulled out of nowhere. "Stop crying for her. She was just a dumb prostitute..."

Tsuna gasped. "YOU'RE HEARTLESS, YOU KNOW THAT...?!!!!"

Reborn shrugged again, and said, "We still haven't gotten you laid yet, though..."

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU...WE AREN'T DOING THAT!!!"


	2. Xanxus version

Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn!

A/N: I now present...the Xanxus version!!! Obviously, some things aren't going to make sense, but I guess you can consider this as taking place BEFORE the Varia arc...

I wanna make a Cervello twincest fic (if they are twins...they could just look alike), but it'd be difficult since they don't have names...

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the same time, back in Italy..._

"VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOI~!!!!"

Squalo let out his fabulous cry as he suddenly tumbled into the Varia boss's bedroom, a piece of paper clutched tightly in his right hand. Xanxus, who was busy reading a magazine that was in no way considered safe for work, quickly shoved it underneath his pillow and tossed an angry glare in Squalo's direction. The silver-haired man cursed loudly as he stood up. There was now a small, round bump protruding from the top of his head.

"Oi, boss! You got a letter from the Vongola boss!!" Squalo exclaimed much louder than necessary.

"...You read it to me...I don't want to touch anything that old bastard put his hands on anymore..." Xanxus grunted.

"Fine," Squalo held the letter close to his face as he gave it a speedy look-over, and then his face fell, "Uh...it says that to even be considered to qualify as the 10th boss, you have to lose your virginity first...hmm...that's kinda weird, huh, boss?"

All of the sudden, Xanxus jumped to his feet. He had a look on his face as if he had just dawned upon the true meaning of life itself. "THAT'S...THAT'S...THAT'S IT!!!!"

"W-Wha...?!"

"The reason I'm not even the boss yet is because I'm still a virgin! It all makes perfect sense now!!!"

Squalo couldn't help but grin at that statement. "You're...you're still a virgin? Heh heh heh..."

"I WILL NOT PERMIT YOU TO LAUGH AT ME." Xanxus spoke calmly as he pressed the barrel of his Dying Will pistol against Squalo's cheek. The silver-haired man immediately stopped laughing. Xanxus sighed, and shoved the gun back into its holster. Suddenly, the bedroom doors swung open again, and this time Belphegor, Lussuria, Levi and Mammon came pouring into the room. Apparently, they had been listening in on the entire conversation.

"B-Boss!! Is it true?!" Levi cried as he scrambled to his feet, "Are...are you really going to have sex with some girl...?!!" For some reason, he looked rather upset about the whole idea.

"Ushishishishi! You're gonna get laid, boss?! Seriously now?! Oh, man! I definitely gotta tape that shit!!" Belphegor cackled, licking his lips greedily.

"Yes!" Mammon nodded in agreement, "And then we can sell copies of the video on the Internet at ridiculously high prices!! We'll be rich!"

"Oh! This is so wonderful! It's like all my little children are finally growing up into strapping young men!!" Lussuria gushed.

For the first time in his life, Xanxus actually blushed in embarrassment. 'Goddammit...these bastards make a big deal out of EVERYTHING...'

"So," Belphegor asked, putting a hand on Xanxus' broad shoulder, "Who ya gonna fuck? One of those Cervello chicks? They're pretty hot...ushishishi..."

"That is true, but they're also lesbian lovers." Mammon reminded the prince.

"Oh, yeah...you can't spell 'twincest' without 'win'! Ushishishi~" Belphegor chuckled under his breath.

Suddenly, all of the commotion came to an immediate halt when Xanxus blasted a large hole in the ceiling with bothof his pistols. Everyone turned to face their leader, whose heavily-scarred face was now as red as a tomato. No one dared to say anything now; even Belphegor was left speechless.

"Just..." Xanxus slowly grumbled, "Just...find some girls, so we can get this stupid thing over with, okay?"

Quickly regaining his composure, Squalo saluted his beloved boss and rushed out the door without a word. A few seconds later, the others followed after him, leaving Xanxus all alone once again.

* * *

About three hours later, Squalo had finally returned, bringing five exceptionally beautiful women back with him. Levi immediately recognized them all as former top models in the Italian fashion circuit. He wondered just which one of them the boss would choose. The suspense would surely give him a headache equal to that of a total hangover.

Suddenly, Belphegor came walking back into the room with a video camera in hand. Mammon was close behind him.

"I have to kill fast...and bullets too slow!" Belphegor snickered. He had been reading alot of squirrelking fanfics lately.

Mammon gave the blonde young man an incredulous look. "What...?"

"Nothing...ushishishi..."

A few minutes later, though, all five girls' burnt corpses were tossed out the window by a rather infuriated Xanxus. Luckily, the bodies landed in the recycling bin out back. When Lussuria came across them (he was putting out the trash), he gasped in gleeful surprise, but then sighed upon closer inspection.

'Oh...they're FEMALE corpses...dang...'

"THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, SQUALO?!! BRINGING ME THESE KIND OF WOMEN?!! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!!!" Xanxus roared, his entire body enveloped within Dying Will flames. Squalo nervously took a step back, and raised his hands over his head.

"Vooooi! How...how am I supposed to know what kind of women you like, dammit?!!"

"Tch! I only like the kind of woman that deserves to be liked!!" Xanxus spat back, crossing his arms in a defiant manner.

"Yeah," Squalo sneered, "What kind of woman would THAT be...?"

Xanxus paused for a moment. "...I want a BBW."

Squalo blinked once, then twice. "Say that again..." he quietly replied.

"I said I want a BBW-"

"GRAAAH!!" Squalo crashed to his knees, and banged his head on the floor, "I WAS HOPING I HAD JUST MISHEARD YOU!!!"

Once again, Xanxus held his pistol up to Squalo's face. "Is there a PROBLEM with me liking girls with a hefty build...?"

"N-No! It's not that! I would never judge you like that, boss!!" Sighing, Squalo got back up to a stand, and closed his eyes, "It's just...the only self-proclaimed BBW I know...is my big sister..."

Xanxus scratched his chin, looking interested for once. "Oh? You have an older sister, eh? What does she look like? Where does she live?"

"I'M NOT TELLING YOU!!! VOOOOOOOOOOI~!" Squalo screamed, stomping his feet like a little child.

"Why not...?" Xanxus craned his head slightly to the side as he spoke.

Squalo clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth before replying. "Because...because how do you think I'LL feel, knowing my big sis and my boss had sex?!!Jesus Christ...that's frickin' awkward, man!!!"

Levi, Belphegor and Mammon all nodded their heads in unison.

"Damn you all..."

After a moment, Squalo suddenly realized something. "Oh, so that magazine you hid under your pillow earlier is a BBW magazine?!! Can...can I borrow it later?"

"WHAT?! YOU SAW IT?!! And...you want to borrow it?!!" Xanxus gasped.

At the end of the day, Xanxus still remained a virgin...and although Levi generously offered to 'take one for the team', Xanxus turned him down without even a second thought...


End file.
